By Mikki McGill, Family Mediator, CDFA, CDC, Rule 114 Qualified Neutral — Great River Mediations
Years ago, before I became a Minnesota family mediator, I worked for the USDA Forest Service.
At one point in my life, I thought I might someday find myself fighting wildfires in Minnesota or somewhere else in the country. I never did become a wildfire fighter, but I have always been fascinated by fire and by the enormous difference between a fire that is managed and one that gets completely out of control.
Years later, working with Minnesota couples going through separation and divorce, I find myself thinking about fire again.
Because divorces can look remarkably similar.
Some divorces become raging wildfires.
They burn through the marriage and then keep going — through finances, parenting relationships, extended families, friendships, careers and sometimes a family’s emotional health.
Other divorces are more like controlled burns.
They are still painful.
There is still heat.
There is still loss.
Something is still ending.
But the fire is contained enough that it does not have to destroy the entire forest.
How you divorce makes a difference.
Not just in how much the divorce costs or how long it takes.
It can affect the emotional wake the divorce leaves behind and, ultimately, what is still standing when recovery begins.
Divorce Itself Can Be Traumatic
We often talk about recovering after divorce.
Moving forward.
Starting over.
Rediscovering yourself.
Building a new life.
But before recovery, there is often something much more immediate:
the trauma and aftermath of the divorce itself.
Divorce is often described in remarkably administrative language.
A marriage ends.
A household changes.
Property is divided.
Parenting schedules are created.
Someone moves.
Minnesota divorce documents are filed.
Eventually the court issues a divorce decree.
But that description is far too tidy for what divorce can actually feel like.
Divorce can be traumatic.
That doesn’t mean every divorce involves abuse, betrayal or some catastrophic event.
Sometimes the trauma is in the dismantling of a life you thought you were going to keep living.
The house you expected to grow old in.
The person you expected to sit next to at graduations and weddings.
The financial future the two of you spent years building.
The holidays you assumed would always look more or less the same.
The family photographs.
The friends.
The routines.
The inside jokes.
Sunday mornings.
Where everyone sits at Thanksgiving.
The little things nobody puts on a Minnesota marital property spreadsheet.
Divorce changes the landscape of a life.
And when it moves through, it leaves a wake.
The question isn’t only:
Will this divorce hurt?
It probably will.
A better question may be:
What kind of landscape do we want to leave behind when this divorce is over?
Because there are different ways to divorce.
Some Divorces Become Wildfires
Anyone who has watched footage of a wildfire understands how quickly destruction can spread.
One spark becomes an acre.
An acre becomes a hillside.
The fire jumps a road.
Then another.
Suddenly things that were nowhere near the original flame are burning too.
Divorce can work the same way.
The original problem may have been between two people.
Maybe the marriage had become unhappy.
Maybe communication had broken down.
Maybe one spouse wanted out and the other did not.
Maybe there had been betrayal.
Maybe there had been years of disconnection.
Maybe two people simply reached the painful conclusion that their marriage could no longer continue.
That is the original fire.
Then somebody pours gasoline on it.
A threatening text.
An angry email.
A social media post.
A child pulled into an adult disagreement.
A family member recruited to take sides.
An accusation intended primarily to hurt.
A financial decision made out of retaliation.
An attorney letter sent more to frighten than to solve.
Another accusation.
Another response.
Another escalation.
Before long, the divorce isn’t only burning through the marriage.
It’s burning through the children’s sense of stability.
It’s burning through the co-parenting relationship.
It’s burning through extended family relationships.
It’s burning through friendships.
It’s burning through retirement accounts.
It’s burning through work concentration.
It’s burning through sleep.
It’s burning through emotional health.
And sometimes people become so focused on hurting the person they’re divorcing that they don’t notice what else has caught fire.
That is the danger of a wildfire divorce.
The destruction spreads far beyond the relationship that was ending in the first place.
You Can Be Hurt Without Burning Everything Down
This is one of the hardest truths about divorce.
People going through divorce are often profoundly hurt.
They may be frightened.
Angry.
Rejected.
Humiliated.
Blindsided.
Betrayed.
Exhausted.
They may feel as though someone has reached into their life and ripped away the future they thought they were going to have.
Those feelings are real.
But pain does not automatically require destruction.
You can be furious and still make thoughtful decisions.
You can feel betrayed and still protect your children.
You can strongly disagree with your spouse and still negotiate about money.
You can believe your spouse behaved terribly and still decide you are not going to burn down everything the two of you spent 10, 15 or 25 years building.
You can grieve the marriage and still participate in creating a workable ending.
That does not mean pretending everything is fine.
It doesn’t mean becoming friends.
It doesn’t mean forgetting what happened.
It doesn’t mean agreeing with your spouse.
And it certainly doesn’t mean tolerating abuse or unsafe behavior.
It means understanding that there is a difference between:
Acknowledging the fire and feeding it.
That difference matters.
There Is Another Kind of Fire
Foresters sometimes use prescribed or controlled burns as a way of managing land and supporting the health of an ecosystem.
It is still fire.
There is smoke.
There is heat.
Something is being consumed.
But the fire has a purpose.
It is managed.
It is bounded.
The goal isn’t destruction for destruction’s sake.
The goal is to clear what needs clearing while protecting the larger landscape.
That image has stayed with me because I think there is something important in it for couples facing divorce.
A healthier divorce is not a divorce without pain.
It isn’t painless fire.
It is contained fire.
You determine what actually has to end.
The marital relationship may need to end.
Living together may need to end.
Certain financial arrangements may need to end.
Some holiday traditions may change.
Some expectations may have to be released.
The family may have to take a completely different shape.
But everything does not have to burn.
Your children’s relationships with both parents can survive.
Your ability to co-parent can survive.
Financial stability can survive.
Retirement assets can survive.
Relationships with grandparents can survive.
Friendships can survive.
Your professional life can survive.
Your dignity can survive.
Your ability to someday attend your child’s graduation, wedding or grandchild’s birthday without creating another emotional crisis can survive.
Maybe even some kindness can survive.
That is a very different kind of divorce.
How You Divorce Becomes Part of the Trauma of Divorce
People often assume the trauma comes entirely from losing the marriage.
Sometimes it doesn’t.
Sometimes the deepest wounds come from what happened during the divorce.
The threats.
The humiliation.
The financial warfare.
The things said in anger that can never quite be unheard.
Children being asked what happened at the other parent’s house.
Adult children being pressured to choose sides.
Friends being recruited into the conflict.
The endless emails.
The fear every time the phone lights up.
Money spent fighting over something worth substantially less than the cost of the fight.
The feeling that somebody you once loved and trusted has suddenly become your enemy.
Those experiences can become part of someone’s memory of divorce long after the Minnesota divorce decree is signed.
Years later, people may barely remember the legal paperwork.
They remember how they felt.
They remember whether they could sleep.
They remember whether they were afraid.
They remember whether they had enough money.
They remember whether they felt constantly under attack.
They remember whether they were treated like a human being.
Children remember too.
Usually not the property equalizer.
Not the spreadsheet.
Not which parent got which household item.
Not whose attorney drafted paragraph 17.
They remember the emotional weather.
They remember whether they were allowed to love both parents.
They remember whether every holiday became stressful.
They remember whether they were messengers.
They remember whether Mom and Dad could stand near each other without the room becoming radioactive.
That is part of the wake of divorce.
Before Divorce Recovery Comes the Aftermath
We talk a great deal about divorce recovery.
How to rebuild.
How to rediscover yourself.
How to date again.
How to create a new home.
How to move forward after divorce.
All of those things matter.
But before recovery comes something less glamorous.
You have to look around at what remains.
After any major fire or disaster, there is an assessment.
What survived?
What was damaged?
What needs repair?
What is gone?
What do I want to rebuild?
What do I never want to rebuild again?
What relationships need care?
What did this cost financially?
What did it cost emotionally?
And what might actually be able to grow here now that there is finally space?
Recovery does not always mean restoring your old life.
Sometimes the old life is exactly what needed to end.
Divorce recovery can mean creating something different.
Something healthier.
Something more honest.
Something that fits the person you are becoming rather than forcing yourself back into the person you were trying to remain.
The Forest Can Grow Again
One of the remarkable things about a forest after fire is what eventually happens next.
Growth returns.
Sunlight reaches places that may once have been crowded.
Plants emerge.
The landscape changes.
Life begins again.
Recovery after divorce can look something like that.
At first, you may only see what disappeared.
Later, you begin noticing what is emerging.
Maybe you sleep better.
Maybe the house feels peaceful.
Maybe your children relax because they are no longer living inside constant parental tension.
Maybe you rebuild financially.
Maybe you discover that you’re capable of managing things you were afraid to manage alone.
Maybe you reconnect with friends.
Maybe you travel.
Maybe you learn something.
Maybe you start dancing again.
Maybe you take up pickleball.
Maybe you discover that the quiet you once feared actually feels good.
Maybe you fall in love again someday.
Maybe you don’t.
There isn’t one correct picture of life after divorce.
Recovery is not a destination where one morning you wake up and announce, Well, apparently I’m recovered.
It is usually much quieter than that.
It is the gradual return of life.
During Divorce, Ask: What Am I Trying to Protect?
When emotions run high, this can be an extraordinarily useful question:
What am I trying to protect?
Your children?
Your financial future?
Your retirement?
Your home?
Your emotional health?
Your ability to co-parent?
Your career?
Your professional reputation?
Your relationships with extended family?
Your ability to look back five years from now and know that even though this was one of the hardest seasons of your life, you handled it with as much integrity as you could?
Those priorities should influence the decisions you make during a Minnesota divorce.
Because every escalation has a cost.
Sometimes litigation is necessary.
Sometimes firm boundaries are necessary.
Sometimes immediate legal protection is necessary.
Sometimes a situation simply isn’t appropriate for mediation.
A controlled burn does not mean standing still while someone harms you.
But conflict should have a purpose.
There is a difference between taking necessary action and retaliating.
There is a difference between protecting yourself and punishing someone.
There is a difference between resolving a disagreement and proving a point.
Will You Pour Gas on Your Partner and Your Divorce?
When someone hurts us, there is a very human temptation to hurt them back.
You want them to understand.
You want them to feel what you felt.
You want justice.
And sometimes you want revenge.
For a moment, pouring gasoline on the divorce can feel powerful.
Until you realize:
You’re standing in the same forest.
If you financially destroy your spouse, that may affect the household where your children spend part of their lives.
If you humiliate your co-parent, your children may carry some of that humiliation too.
If you spend the marital estate fighting, there is less marital estate left for either of you.
If every communication becomes warfare, your own nervous system is living in the war zone too.
You cannot always control what your spouse does during divorce.
You can control whether you continually add fuel.
That is where some of your power still lives.
There Is Another Way to Divorce in Minnesota
Divorce does not have to become total destruction.
There can be a process for having very difficult conversations without turning every conversation into a battle.
There can be structure.
There can be financial information.
There can be transparency.
There can be boundaries.
There can be time to think.
There can be hard disagreement without humiliation.
There can be anger without cruelty.
There can be grief without revenge.
There can even be moments of generosity between two people who no longer want to be married to each other.
For some Minnesota couples, divorce mediation can provide a structured place for those conversations.
A Minnesota divorce mediator can help couples work through decisions involving issues such as:
-
Marital property and debt
-
Homes and other real estate
-
Retirement accounts and pensions
-
Budgets and cash flow
-
Child support
-
Spousal maintenance
-
Parenting schedules
-
Holidays and vacations
-
Decision-making for children
-
The practical transition from one household into two
Mediation does not make divorce painless.
Nothing does.
And mediation does not require couples to agree about everything before they walk through the door.
What it can do is create a process for addressing the things that actually need to be resolved without automatically turning every disagreement into a larger fire.
That can leave much more intact when the smoke finally clears.
The Goal Is Not a Perfect Divorce
There probably isn’t one.
People are messy.
Grief is messy.
Money makes people anxious.
Parenting makes people protective.
Fear makes people reactive.
Old wounds show up.
New wounds happen.
There may be days when you behave beautifully and days when you absolutely do not.
The goal isn’t perfection.
The goal is reducing unnecessary destruction.
Because someday the divorce process ends.
The attorneys go home.
The mediator closes the file.
The court issues the final divorce decree.
And then you wake up the next morning and continue living your life.
That is the part worth protecting.
The goal may be a good divorce.
Not a happy divorce.
Not an easy divorce.
Not a painless divorce.
A good divorce for your circumstances.
So ask yourself:
What would a good divorce look like in my situation?
Would it mean preserving enough financial resources for both households to become stable?
Would it mean keeping your children out of the middle?
Would it mean being able to communicate about your children five years from now?
Would it mean reaching a fair settlement without spending years fighting?
Would it mean knowing when you need professional help and when you can solve something yourselves?
Would it simply mean getting through one of the most painful experiences of your life without creating injuries that never needed to happen?
Your answer may be different from someone else’s.
That’s okay.
There are different divorces because there are different families.
What Do You Want Growing Here Next?
When a marriage ends, something has been lost.
That deserves grief.
But the story does not have to end in the burned landscape.
Eventually there is another question:
What do you want growing here next?
Peace?
Stability?
Financial independence?
A healthier relationship with yourself?
A different kind of home?
Better boundaries?
Stronger relationships with your children?
Friendship?
Adventure?
Love again someday?
You may not know yet.
You don’t have to.
In the beginning, sometimes all you can do is stop feeding the fire.
Recovery comes later.
First, protect the ground.
Because how you divorce matters.
You can turn the end of a marriage into a raging wildfire that burns through nearly everything around it.
Or you can make deliberate decisions about what really needs to end, what deserves protection and what you hope will someday grow again.
There is another way to divorce.
I never ended up fighting wildfires for the Forest Service.
In a strange way, sometimes I think I work around them now.
My job isn’t to save a marriage that needs to end or to tell people they shouldn’t feel angry, hurt or afraid.
It is to help Minnesota couples have the conversations and make the decisions that divorce requires without unnecessarily burning down the rest of their lives in the process.
Sometimes the most important thing you can save during divorce is the life you will still have when it is over.
Considering Divorce or Separation in Minnesota?
If you are considering divorce in Minnesota or you and your spouse have already decided to separate, you do not have to know exactly how every piece will work before you begin.
At Great River Mediations, I work with Minnesota couples navigating divorce and separation, including the financial, parenting and practical decisions that come with restructuring a family.
As a Minnesota family mediator and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA), I help couples understand their options, work through difficult decisions and create agreements designed for the lives they will actually be living after divorce.
Sometimes the first step is simply understanding what your options are.
Great River Mediations
Minnesota Divorce Mediation | Family Mediation | Divorce Financial Guidance | Separation Planning
GreatRiverMediations.com
info@greatrivermediations.com