Conflict Is Normal. How You Handle It Matters.
Conflict is a natural part of relationships.
Every couple will disagree. You are two different people with different histories, personalities, needs, expectations and ways of seeing the world. The goal is not to create a relationship where conflict never happens.
The goal is to learn how to move through conflict without destroying the relationship in the process.
Couples who navigate conflict well are not necessarily couples who agree more often. They are often couples who have learned how to disagree while still treating one another like people they love and respect.
Here are several strategies that can make those difficult conversations go much better.
Create a Safe Space for the Conversation
When conflict begins, it can be very easy to shift into proving a point, defending yourself or trying to “win.”
The problem is that if one person wins, the relationship often loses.
Before you can solve the issue in front of you, both people need to feel safe enough to actually participate in the conversation.
That may mean agreeing on some basic ground rules:
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No yelling
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No name-calling
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No threats or intimidation
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No physical aggression
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No blaming or shaming
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No deliberately cruel or demeaning language
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No talking over one another
You may also need to agree that either person can ask for a break if the conversation becomes too heated — with an understanding that you will come back to it rather than simply abandoning the issue.
When people are flooded, defensive or afraid, very little productive communication happens.
Safety comes first. Problem-solving comes second.
Listen for Understanding, Not Just for Your Turn to Talk
Sometimes we technically “listen,” but what we are really doing is preparing our rebuttal.
While the other person is speaking, our brain is already saying:
That isn’t what happened.
That’s not fair.
You do that too.
Wait until I tell you what YOU did.
And suddenly neither person feels heard.
Try listening long enough to understand what your partner is actually trying to tell you.
What are they worried about?
What hurt?
What matters to them?
What are they hoping will change?
You do not have to agree with everything they say in order to understand their experience.
That distinction matters.
Validate Their Experience
Validation is one of the most powerful — and most misunderstood — tools in conflict.
Validating someone does not mean saying they are right and you are wrong.
It means communicating:
I hear you. I understand why this matters to you. Your experience makes sense to me.
That alone can dramatically change a conversation.
Make eye contact. Put down your phone. Let them finish. Ask questions if you don’t understand. Reflect back what you heard before you launch into your own perspective.
One of my favorite short videos to share with people I work with is It’s Not About the Nail.
It is funny because it captures something so many of us do: we rush to solve the problem when the other person is first asking us to understand their experience.
And yes — it really isn’t about the nail. 😉
You can watch it here:
Get Curious About What Is Underneath the Argument
Couples often argue about the thing on the surface.
The dishes.
The credit card.
Being ten minutes late.
Who is picking up the kids.
How much time someone spends on their phone.
But underneath the argument may be something much bigger:
Do I matter to you?
Can I count on you?
Do you respect me?
Are we financially safe?
Am I carrying this relationship by myself?
Do I have any voice here?
When you can identify what the conflict is really about, the conversation changes.
Instead of arguing about who is right, you can begin talking about what each of you needs.
Look for a Solution That Works for Both of You
Conflict resolution does not always mean meeting exactly in the middle.
Sometimes it does.
Other times, one issue matters enormously to one partner and very little to the other. Sometimes there is an entirely different solution neither person thought of when the argument began.
Instead of asking:
“How do we split the difference?”
Try asking:
“What is most important to each of us here?”
Then see whether there is a solution that protects those things.
The goal is not simply compromise.
The goal is finding a way forward that both people can genuinely live with.
Know When to Get Help
Some conflicts can be worked through over the kitchen table.
Others keep repeating.
You have the same argument again and again, only the details change.
Or the conflict involves something bigger — finances, parenting, betrayal, separation, major life decisions or uncertainty about whether the relationship will continue.
That may be the point when having a neutral professional involved becomes helpful.
Depending on what is happening, that might mean a couples therapist, an individual therapist, a financial professional, a mediator or another appropriate resource.
And if your conflict has reached the point where you are considering separation or divorce, mediation can give both of you a structured place to talk through the decisions that need to be made without requiring you to turn every disagreement into a battle.
You do not have to agree on everything before coming to mediation.
In fact, if you already agreed on everything, you probably wouldn’t need me.
My role is to help create a space where both people can be heard, identify what matters, work through difficult decisions and determine whether there is a path forward they can both live with.
Conflict is normal.
What matters is what you do with it.
Want to Talk About What Comes Next?
If conflict in your relationship has reached the point where you are considering separation, divorce or mediation, you are welcome to reach out.
I offer a complimentary Connection Call where you can ask questions, learn more about the mediation process and get a clearer sense of whether mediation may be a good fit for your situation.
You can learn more at Great River Mediations at greatrivermediations.com or schedule a complimentary Connection Call at MediatorMikki.as.me/ConnectionCall.
You do not need to have everything figured out before you contact me. Sometimes the first useful step is simply understanding your options.
Sources
Psych Central — Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Positive Psychology — Conflict Resolution in Relationships
ural. Every couple will experience conflict at various points in their relationship. The difference between a couple who can navigate conflict and those who allow conflict to break their bond comes down to proven conflict resolution strategies.
Here are some highly effective strategies every couple can use to get to the other side of a conflict in a loving and respectful way:
Create a Safe Space
When an argument begins, how many of us go into it with the intent of “winning” or proving the other person wrong? Having this intention is a recipe for disaster and resentment.
To resolve conflict, you and your partner can establish respectful rules. These can include:
- No yelling
- No name-calling
- No physical aggression
- No foul language
- No blaming or shaming
Without a safe space to interact, no real communication can take place.
Validate the Other Person’s Feelings
Resolving conflict requires validation of both partners’ feelings. When you place blame on the other or state that they are somehow wrong, they will feel unheard and misunderstood. And arguing from this place will never lead to resolution of the original conflict.
Acknowledge your partner’s feelings. Listen fully when they speak. Make eye contact (stay off your phone!). Nod while they are speaking. Thank them for sharing their thoughts and feelings with you.
One of my personal favorite video’s to share with people I work with is this short video. It’s about validation of someone’s feelings and experience (not about the nail 😉 Check it out here: https://www.jasonheadley.com/INATN.html
You will be amazed at how different things go when you validate your partner.
Find the Middle-Ground
Conflict resolution ultimately relies on both of you being able to come to a compromise. Look for ways to find that balance between what the both of you want and what you are comfortable with.
Get Help
Depending on the root cause of the conflict, professional may be warranted. A couple most likely can navigate an argument that stems from someone not doing their fair share of chores. But a conflict that is rooted in, say, financial trouble or an infidelity, may warrant professional help.
If you and your partner seem to be unable to resolve your conflicts on your own and would like to explore options, please get in touch with me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I might be able to help.
SOURCES:
https://psychcentral.com/relationships/conflict-resolution-in-relationships
https://positivepsychology.com/conflict-resolution-relationships/
Considering Divorce or Separation in Minnesota?
If you are considering divorce in Minnesota or you and your spouse have already decided to separate, you do not have to know exactly how every piece will work before you begin.
At Great River Mediations, I work with Minnesota couples navigating divorce and separation, including the financial, parenting and practical decisions that come with restructuring a family.
As a Minnesota family mediator and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA), I help couples understand their options, work through difficult decisions and create agreements designed for the lives they will actually be living after divorce.
Sometimes the first step is simply understanding what your options are.
Great River Mediations
Minnesota Divorce Mediation | Family Mediation | Divorce Financial Guidance | Separation Planning greatrivermediations.com
info@greatrivermediations.com