Divorce ahead? Think again if you’re thinking of getting through the holidays before dealing with your coming divorce. Many people think waiting is the way to go–get through the holidays first! Avoid the mistake of putting everything on the backburner. Here are three things you need to do now.
Create a plan for self-care thru
the holidays. Make self-care a priority right now (even if you don’t feel like doing it!). It’s necessary. Divorce is a traumatic experience for you
and your entire family. How you care for yourself and self soothe will make a difference in how you show up and how you lead your family and how the future
will go. It’s easy to let self-care slip, to eat poorly, drink too much and get far too little sleep falling into another negative spiral with your partner. If you screw it up and have a bad day, start again but avoid going there when you can. Dealing with trauma takes energy and mental clarity—and you are going to need those resources ahead, so save them where you can. Treat your heart, mind, AND body with gentleness and care. Identify ways that you will take care of yourself and identifying who can support you (including professionals) and what you need to do to care for yourself.
It’s important to provide yourself with the support you need–especially if you don’t feel you are getting it from your spouse. It’s okay to have a plan that will allow you to get away from family, crowds and holiday festivities when you feel yourself become triggered or emotional. This may mean you drive separately to an event so you can leave when
YOU need to. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries and stick to them. Make healthy choices that take care of you and your kids where and when you can.
Find and book your mediator
now. If you’re wanting a civil, amicable divorce, a mediator is the way to go. Hiring a mediator allows you to keep more of your money and emotional resources. A good mediator can help you have less
conflict with a more peaceful acrimonious divorce rather than a drama filled life afterwards. Here are three reasons you should do your research now:
1) Mediators can be hard to book after the holidays. Remember how we said you aren’t alone—many couples start their divorce process after the first of the year. Be proactive now. Get ahead of the line.
2) Peace for yourself and your family. Once you have selected your mediator and gotten on their calendar, you will have more peace. Doing this now means you’ve made a choice to show up,
take care of yourself and take care of your family. The works not over but you’re on a good path and a good beginning and you have support. Mediation
is the way to a more peaceful divorce. Find the right mediator now for you and your family now.
3) Mediation is a requirement to divorce in Minnesota and many other states. Since mediation is often a requirement for divorce, choosing yours now means you’re moving forward in the right direction for something you need to do anyway.
Consider a therapist if you don’t
already have one. While loved ones and friends can offer great emotional support, they are protective of you, they fear for the worst and their ideas or
reactions may put you in a place you don’t want or need to go despite their good intentions or love! They mean well but they are not professionals. A
therapist can help you work through resolving your emotional grief together or solo. Don’t delay in getting this support. Therapy is a safe place to
unload, unpack and work on healing. Divorce therapy can help you let go of the negative pieces of the past and get to a clean page to write your next
chapter. Give yourself the gift of support to grieve your marriage and care for yourself and your family during this time.
Divorce is a traumatic event for you and your entire family. A good divorce is affected by how well you
take care of yourself (and your family), using a positive process for your divorce (mediation) and getting the professional support you need to get
through this difficult time (therapy).
It’s understandable that parents want to get through the holidays before moving on to divorce but if you pretty much already know (or have recently discovered) that your marriage is over doing these three things now will put you on a better path toward a positive future and a better start to the new year!
Mikki helps families have difficult conversations. She specializes in helping parents have the conversations they need to have to divorce in the gentlest, kindest way possible. Set up a conversation with her. Discuss your concerns to see how she can help you retain your family and move forward even if are losing your spouse. Find her and set up an appointment at www.greatrivermediations.com